I've always turned to writing as a way to capture, understand, and share my thoughts and emotions. The instant I had a pencil in my hand or a keyboard at my fingertips, all of the things in my head seemed to just naturally pour out. And no matter how ugly the thoughts felt inside me, once they were out on paper, I could make sense of them and turn them into something less ugly – even something beautiful. But lately, I've avoided my notebooks and my computer; just the thought of writing has felt impossible. The fear that the things I write down will be too much to dissect – too ugly – has been overwhelming. What if I couldn't make the ugly thoughts beautiful?
What I mean by "making ugly thoughts beautiful" is being able to interpret and accept the things I think and feel. Writing is my coping method, my therapist, my rock. Jotting down stories and ideas, documenting details about my day, and keeping a blog like this have always brought me clarity. It's how I make sense of the world around me. So, recently, because the world hasn't been making much sense, my notebooks should be overflowing. Yet, I haven't written a word. Every time I think about writing, I immediately distract myself with a TV show or movie, going to a friend's, or maniacally organizing something in my room. None of these things, of course, have solved the problem. Standing in the shower I'll suddenly be overcome with guilt: why haven't you written? Writing had always been a rock, but now it feels like that rock is crushing me with its weight. Am I at rock bottom?
The short answer is no. I'm not at rock bottom. Realistically, I'm not in a bad place at all. I just graduated college a semester early receiving summa cum laude honors, I'm living on campus surrounded by all my friends, I can focus on searching for a job, I'm working for a local restaurant, I have time to do things I enjoy and have fun. So, why do I feel so shitty? Turns out, a lot of it is perspective. Those things I just listed have been consuming me for the last two months, but when I think them to myself, they don't sound nearly as positive. In my head I hear: I graduated college but I don't have a real job, I have nothing to do while all my friends are busy with school, and I'm not successful. It's this weird mix of embarrassment, fear, and despondency that stems from what I think success means. At Miami University, success is most often a college graduate who's had a job lined up in Chicago since junior year. It feels like there's supposed to be this smooth transition from college to the real world, but no one prepared me for having no idea what I want to do – what I should do. What if I'm not successful?
I've always been someone who sets high goals for myself and creates a plan to achieve them. Up until now, I was always able to discern the things I wanted to accomplish and how to accomplish them. But as my time in school drew to a close, I could feel a sense of panic rising in me that has made me question my goals. Having completed my education and obtained a college degree, I've been left with only vague notions of what comes next. I know what people who have a degree like mine are supposed to do; I've scoured job boards and company websites for copywriting, communications, journalist, and marketing positions, but nothing I submit an application for really sets a fire in me. In fact, I'm not really surprised by any of the rejections I receive because in all honesty, it's not a job I could see myself doing anyway. I know my first job isn't necessarily going to be my dream job, but deep down, I wonder if I've got the wrong idea about how to apply my skills entirely. It's this internal confusion coupled with skewed perceptions of success that have me feeling so low.
I am not at rock bottom, but I'm definitely not at an all-time high. Instead, I'll call my position "rock middle." I'm in between child and adult, school and career...these weird middle areas where you're expected to change so much so fast. Everyone tells me that things will be okay and that this is normal. Sometimes I believe them and sometimes I don't. How will all these ugly fears and anxieties that I'm experiencing now become the beautiful life and career I've always dreamed for myself? There are a lot of unanswered questions I have for myself while I'm here at rock middle but accepting that is the first step to finding answers. Starting with writing and getting all the thoughts out, I can account for these uncertainties.
Some final thoughts...
I let a big breath go after I finished writing this and looked up from my laptop. For the last three and a half years, a bulletin board (in the image below) has hung over my desk. I made this collage out of the cards I received for my high school graduation and 18th birthday because I couldn't bear to throw them all away. Reading over the cut-up words and phrases made me smile in a way I never have when looking at them before. The words I chose to place on this board mean more to me than I realize. They are constant, visual reminders that there are people who love me, support me, and believe in me – even when I don't believe in myself. So, to all of those people, thank you.
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